Can You Forgive Yourself?

by Pastor Paul Wolff

Would you? Could you? Should you? Can you forgive yourself ? These are the questions that everyone should be asking when someone says that you have to forgive yourself. Few people, however, ask these important questions. Forgiving yourself sounds like a good idea, so people take it for granted that it actually is a good thing.

It is not uncommon to hear people say that you have to forgive yourself. Christians will even sometimes say this. This kind of sounds like a Christian thing to do, but where in the Bible does it say that we should or could forgive ourselves? The answer is that the Holy Scriptures nowhere tell us that this is something that we ought to do. In fact, it says quite the opposite.

What does the Bible say about Forgiveness?

Jesus and Zacchaeus - Luke 19

There is much that the Holy Scriptures say about forgiveness, but none of it is about the benefits of forgiving oneself. In summary: God forgives me so I ought to forgive others (see 1 John 4:7-12). This is the proper order. In researching this article I found a web site which claimed to show Biblical rationale for forgiving oneself. Instead, what they did was quote several Bible passages which talked about God’s forgiveness of our sins through Christ, and exhortations to us to forgive others, and for each example the article just said, “This also can be applied to forgiving ourselves.” No Biblical reason or example was given for forgiving yourself, it was just asserted as if God’s forgiving you and your forgiving others is the same as you forgiving yourself. But let’s look at some of the Biblical teachings on forgiveness.

In the Gospel accounts of Jesus healing the paralyzed man, before Jesus heals the man He says to him, “Your sins are forgiven.” The people in the house who knew the Scriptures asked, “Who can forgive sins, but God alone?” (Mark 2:7; Luke 5:21) Although these people mistakenly thought that Jesus did not have the authority to forgive sins, they were right to believe that only God can forgive sins.

When King David wrote Psalm 51 after he repented of his many sins in the Bathsheba affair he wrote, “O God … Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” (Psalm 51:1, 4) Though David had sinned greatly against Uriah and Bathsheba and others, he confesses that he has only sinned against God. How can that be right? It is right because it is God who makes the laws, and He determines what is right and what is wrong. The Ten Commandments are God’s commands to us. God commands us to do what is right and forbids us from doing wrong. God declares that the punishment for sin is death, and only God can rightly punish or forgive those who break His laws.

God has also saved you from the punishment for your sin through Jesus Christ. It was Jesus who fulfilled God’s commands in your place, and then went to the cross to also take the punishment that you deserved for your sins. Since Jesus paid the price for your forgiveness, He is the one who has forgiven all your sins. Then, since Christ has won full forgiveness for all your sins, why would you ever need to forgive yourself?

In the Lord’s Prayer Jesus instructs His disciples how to pray for forgiveness. Jesus says, “When you pray, say, ‘Father … forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.’” Note who is to forgive whom in this prayer. We ask God first to forgive our sins, and then to enable us to forgive others who sin against us. Christ does command us all to forgive the sins that others commit against us, but there is no suggestion that we are to forgive ourselves. Our personal sins are committed to God for His mercy and forgiveness, where we can be sure they are forgiven in Christ.

Are You Qualified to Forgive Yourself?

The Father forgives the Prodigal Son

The trouble with forgiving yourself is that, contrary to what we all believe about ourselves, each one of us is the least qualified to judge our own sin. Here it helps to remember how the devil tempts us to sin. The devil makes sin seem attractive to us by making us believe that sin is more profitable, pleasurable, and beneficial to us than righteousness. These are all lies, but because of this, we find ways to justify our wickedness and evil so that we often are unaware that we are sinning at all. So if we were in charge of our own forgiveness we might overlook some sin we particularly enjoy, and would then be condemned of that sin by God, our final judge.

A good Biblical example of this is the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:22-35). The servant owed his lord more debt than he could ever repay, but the lord is merciful and forgives him the whole debt. Then the servant turned around and had a fellow servant thrown into prison for owing him a much smaller debt. When the lord hears about this he has the unmerciful servant imprisoned until he repays every last cent that he owed him. The problem with the unmerciful servant was not that he didn’t forgive himself, but that he did not appreciate the great forgiveness given to him by his lord.

Self-forgiveness is the wrong solution to the problem

Jesus died on the cross to win your forgiveness

Now, someone might say that I might need to forgive myself if I hold on to guilt for some sin after I have already been forgiven by God (and my neighbor – where applicable). This could certainly be a problem, but forgiving myself is the wrong solution to continuing feelings of guilt. There is no doubt that I ought to feel guilty for the sins I commit against God and against others. Some guilty feelings may linger after I have been absolved, but the problem isn’t with God or others who forgive me. The problem is with me.

Even true forgiveness may not necessarily get rid of feelings of guilt. If your conscience is working properly you will feel guilty for doing wrong even after you have been forgiven and the issue has been resolved. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and will help you to resist committing such sin the next time you are tempted.

Christ’s forgiveness is sure, but if you don’t believe it then you are going to worry that you could still face punishment over that sin. (Now, you may still have to face temporal punishment by the civil authorities for a sin that God has already forgiven, but that is different than not trusting in God’s forgiveness.) I think this shows where the idea of forgiving oneself comes from. It comes from unbelievers.

Forgiveness and “feelings”

Jesus rose from the dead

A non-Christian (or an unbelieving “christian”) does not have the assurance of forgiveness in Christ, nor does he have the comfort of knowing that God does not hold his guilt against him. In order for such a person to relieve his feelings of guilt over his sins he may find himself trying to forgive himself or otherwise trying to win God’s favor. This is dangerous for his soul because although he may “feel forgiven” he is still condemned before God for the sins he is trying to deal with himself. The only possible good in this is that the unbeliever can get on with his life and do some temporal good without despairing of life, and he may be able to find true forgiveness in Christ later.

In studying this topic I found much discussion about the role of one’s feelings in self-forgiveness. One source I found said that forgiving oneself is all about feeling forgiven. Do you need to feel forgiven? There may be feelings associated with forgiveness, but they aren’t an integral part of the act of forgiveness. For example, one who is forgiven may feel relieved that he isn’t going to die for his sins. Also one may still feel guilty for the wrong done against God or the neighbor. If forgiveness results in feelings of guilt and relief, then how would you even know that you feel forgiven?

The Dangers of Forgiving Yourself

The quest for feeling forgiven is very dangerous. The danger is that I could do something that could make me feel forgiven, when I am not. A great (though extremely sad) example of this is found in Mitch Albom’s book, Tuesdays with Morrie. Morris Schwartz was a man who felt a great need to deal with his guilt as his death seemed to draw near, but he did not trust in God to forgive him. This lack of trust in God is shown by the fact that “God” is only mentioned three times in the book, and never as a solution to his guilt or impending death. (What kind of a dying man is not concerned about God?) Schwartz’ solution was to hold a mock funeral before his death so he could hear people say all kinds of good things about his life so he wouldn’t feel so guilty for his sins as he approached death. (Note: This is not how Albom interpreted the events, but this is my interpretation of what was going on with the bizarre behavior of his former teacher & friend – but if you read the book you will see that this is what happened.) Although Morris Schwartz died a happy man thinking that he surely must surely have pleased his god enough to be rewarded, he was very likely disappointed after his death because he rejected the true forgiveness that is only found in Jesus Christ’s atonement for his sins on the cross. This is just one tragic example why we cannot trust our feelings where forgiveness is concerned.

Forgiving yourself doesn’t seem to be a dangerous exercise, but that only makes it similar to most of the sins that we all commit every day. The devil would never tell you that the thing that you are enjoying so much will kill you. The danger of forgiving yourself is that when you make yourself feel forgiven without ever needing to repent and then receive that forgiveness from Christ, then you will eventually feel that you don’t need Christ at all and will lose your faith and your salvation. This doesn’t happen all at once, but slowly and without you even noticing what is happening. By the time you might notice that you no longer trust in Christ for forgiveness it will be too late and you will be lost and condemned in your sin, and/or you just won’t care any more.

True Assurance

Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead

Would you? Could you? Should you? Can you forgive yourself? Forgiveness is at the heart of what it means to be saved. You might as well ask, “Can I save myself?” The answer in the Scriptures is clearly: No. Jesus said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Those who heard it said, “Then who can be saved?” But he said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.” (Luke 18:25-27) In this passage the problem isn’t wealth, but the rich who put their trust in their wealth to save them. You cannot save yourself. Only God can forgive you and save you because of what Jesus has done to pay for your sins.

Every false religion in the world teaches that it is up to you to save yourself and earn forgiveness. Every false teaching among the Christian denominations introduces the false idea that you have to do something to achieve forgiveness and salvation. If forgiveness is not the free gift of God through Jesus Christ, then it is false, and will not save you.

True forgiveness comes only from God through Christ Jesus. Your sin is such a big problem that only God could save you from the guilt of your sin. Fortunately, Jesus loved you so that He gave His life on the cross to pay the terrible price to free you from your sin. If you want to be forgiven (and you do – whether you acknowledge it or not) then you must trust in Jesus to forgive you and save you from your sins. To rescue you from your sins it took God Himself to become incarnate as one of His created people and live the perfectly obedient life that none of us sinners could accomplish. Then He had to suffer the punishment on the cross to pay the price for your sins. It is amazing that God loved us all so that He did all that was necessary to save us from our sins. Yet, there He was – hanging dead on the cross. That is how you can be sure you are forgiven.

If you want assurance that your sins are forgiven you don’t have to forgive yourself. In fact, you can’t find true assurance by forgiving yourself – there will always be doubt if your forgiveness depends on anything you do. The only sure and certain way to know you are forgiven is to trust that God, Himself, has done everything needed to rescue you from your sins. Look to the cross. There you will see that God has forgiven all your sins and has rescued you from death and all the consequences of sin.

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“Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – He forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.” (Psalm 103:1-3)

What Do You Choose to Believe?

By Pastor Paul Wolff

Proverbs 23:23

Buy the truth, and do not sell it.

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John 20:26-29

A week later (Jesus’) disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

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Jesus Walks on the Sea

Issues Etc. frequently plays a sound clip of President Obama describing a person’s faith as “What one chooses to believe.” This is a politician’s way of describing religion, but it is a strange way of describing one’s faith.

What is it that you believe? There are only two categories of things that you can believe: Truth or Lies. Which do you believe?

Let’s first assume that you believe the truth. I trust that is a good assumption, but do you have to decide to believe the truth?: “Hmmmm, Am I going to believe the truth... or a lie?” If you have to decide to believe the truth then you are doing it wrong, and it is most likely an accident that you chose the truth. If you have to decide to believe the truth then sooner or later you will be seduced by the lie. It will happen. The devil works hard to make the lies seem more attractive than the truth, so if you have to decide to believe the truth, then eventually you will find the lie much more appealing and lose the truth for a lie.

Now, if you decide to believe a lie, then you are just a fool. Little more needs to be said about that except to note that this is different than people who mistakenly believe a lie. Sometimes people who don’t know the difference between the truth and a lie will believe the truth once they learn the truth, but people who choose to believe a lie will find it difficult to choose the truth.

It is hard to get through to people who choose to believe a lie because one can’t easily reason with them. They have rationalized and justified their choice, and they feel they must embrace the lies out of fear that the truth is somehow worse (though it never is). One can try to help people like this, but they don’t want to be helped and they resent the effort.

The Risen Christ appears to two men on the road  to Emmaeus. Window from Zion Lutheran Church, Columbus, Ohio

Christ’s apostle, Thomas, knew the truth. At the time of Christ’s resurrection he had been a Disciple of Jesus for about three years. Thomas had heard Jesus teaching. He had seen many miracles such as: Jesus walking on the water; Jesus feeding 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two small fish; and Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.

Thomas had heard Jesus say plainly, “We are going up to Jerusalem … and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles, who will mock him and spit on him, flog him and kill him. Three days later he will rise.” (Mk. 10:33-34)

When all this came to pass, the other ten apostles came to Thomas and told him, “We have seen the Lord!” Yet, Thomas did not believe.

It wasn’t that Thomas doubted. He willfully refused to believe. He said, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.” This was not doubt. This was stubborn unbelief.

Thomas thought he knew what life was and what death was, and this didn’t fit. He thought: You live – you die – then … No, that is all. That is what experience taught him. You have surely had the same experience. You may have heard some people claim to have come back from the dead in the hospital, but those people weren’t really dead. They were nearly dead. There is a big difference between nearly dead and dead. Nearly dead – you might be revived. Dead – and you cannot be revived.

Jesus was dead. Pontius Pilate’s soldiers made sure of that. After Jesus died they stuck a spear in His side to make sure that He really was dead. If Jesus had shown signs of life, then they would have broken His legs as they did to the other two. The spear pierced His lungs and water poured out, then it pierced His heart and blood poured out. He was dead. He was mutilated. He wasn’t coming back. At least, that is what Thomas thought. He was wrong.

When Jesus is involved – Life and Death don’t work as we expect them to, and honestly, when is Jesus NOT involved? Jesus is the Lord of Life and the Conqueror of death. Jesus didn’t have to appear to Thomas. He had appeared to the ten Apostles, and others. But Jesus had important work for Thomas to do and He didn’t want Him to have any doubts, nor to be a stubborn unbeliever.

Jesus knew that others would have the same concerns as Thomas: “How can I believe Jesus is raised from the dead when I haven’t seen Him?” Jesus would send Thomas into the world to preach the Gospel with authority, and ultimately, Jesus would ask Thomas to give his life in witness to the truth of the Gospel. So Jesus appeared to Thomas as He had with the other Apostles.

Jesus turns water into wine. Window from Zion Lutheran Church, Columbus, Ohio

You should note that Jesus didn’t appear to Thomas right away. Remember that in His glorified state, Jesus – even in His physical body – is omnipresent (present everywhere). When Thomas was telling the Ten, “... unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were …” Jesus could have tapped him on the shoulder then and said, “Thomas, see my hands and side. Stop doubting and believe.” But Jesus made Thomas wait one whole week. This gave the other Apostles time to try to convince him that they had seen Jesus alive. Though the Scriptures do not tell us all the conversations that went on between the Apostles, I don’t doubt that the phrase, “Doubting Thomas” was first used by the other apostles to tease Thomas about his stubborn unbelief.

Jesus didn’t tease Thomas. He just appeared in the locked room, as before, and said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Then Thomas believed and said to Jesus, “My Lord and my God!”

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

Why did Jesus appear to Doubting Thomas? First it was out of love for Thomas. Jesus wanted Thomas to be certain that he trusted in a living savior – a flesh and blood savior who is also God! Second, Jesus appeared to the Apostles so that you also may believe through the eyewitness testimony of many people.

Jesus sent the Apostles to testify to the truth of Jesus’ resurrection and the forgiveness which He won for us on the cross. The Apostles, and many others, got to see Jesus alive, but we have to wait a little while before we see Him as they did. We have their eyewitness testimony written in the Holy Scriptures to know that Jesus is alive, and Jesus calls us blessed for believing before we have seen Him with our own eyes.

We also have pastors and teachers to teach us the Truth of God’s Word that we might receive the blessings of Christ’s forgiveness and salvation through faith. Jesus said, “As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” In his letter to the Romans (10:13-15) St. Paul tells us how and why Jesus has sent us men like these Apostles: “‘Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’ How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!’”

What is the message the Apostles were sent to give? Jesus tells us in John 20:23, “If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” We call this the Office of the Keys. It is not that the church (or the pastor) forgives anyone they want to, but that they forgive according to Christ’s command. Faithful pastors forgive the sins of penitent sinners, and withhold forgiveness from sinners who do not repent.

Like Thomas, not everyone believes the message. Unlike Thomas, some wish to hold on to their sins, but we must not forgive them until they repent, lest they remain in their sins and perish through them. But to all who trust in Jesus for the forgiveness of their sins they are completely forgiven, and shall receive eternal life — even as Jesus has risen from the dead to everlasting life.

Window from Zion Lutheran Church, Columbus, Ohio

The Apostle, Thomas, did not choose to be one of Christ’s disciples. Jesus chose him to be a disciple. It is possible that you believe that you chose to be a Christian, but that is not correct. Jesus chose you, too. Jesus said, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.” (John 15:16)

There is great comfort in not having to choose what to believe, but in simply believing the truth. If we had to choose, then we could choose the lie;  or we could choose the truth, but do it in the wrong way; or we could choose the truth and later change our mind and choose something else. The comfort of Christ doing it all for you is that there is no doubt. Christ has done all that is needed for your salvation, and simply asks you to believe the truth. “(Jesus) is the way and the truth and the life.” (John 14:6)

There are times when we all may doubt, or even be an unbeliever like Thomas was. Take comfort. The Christian faith is not a blind faith. Thomas saw Jesus alive after His death and touched Him, as did John and many more people. We have their eyewitness testimony. More than that, we have the testimony of the Holy Spirit in the Scriptures. We also have the testimony of Jesus Himself who gives His body and blood to us in the Sacrament of The Lord’s Supper. As Martin Luther taught, “(Jesus’) words, ‘Given and shed for you’ require all hearts to believe.” Blessed are you who have not seen, and yet believe.